The first time ever I saw your face . . .

April 9, 2008 - one year ago today - I received the referral of my sweet 26 day old baby girl! I can't believe this day, that is etched into my heart and brain so indelibly, happened 1 year ago. I remember it like it was yesterday - every detail, but so much has happened since then that it feels like decades ago. That day, I was offered the most wonderful opportunity - the chance to be a mother to this amazing girl and to raise her as my daughter. I was beyond thrilled. It was the happiest I had ever felt!

I had worked a typical, long day at the hospital and was heading to my car. I turned my phone on (it's off all day at the hospital) and there was a message. When I heard the area code for the message, my heart rate increased. I heard Grace, the agency rep, say nothing but "give me a call" with just a hint of mischief in her voice and my heart began to race. I was shaking as I dialed Grace's number and could barely breath. Could this be it? Could this be the moment I've been thinking about for years? The phone rang, rang, rang, then went into her voicemail. Are you kidding me? What am I to do now? All I could do was leave a message saying I'm available now, please call me. I hung up and was frozen. What now? Do I just drive home as if it were any other day? As if I didn't suspect I was about to get the biggest news of my life? What if I'm on the highway and Grace calls with critical news? What if I sit here and wait and Grace doesn't call back for hours or until tomorrow? Should I call my sisters? My mom? And say what? I don't know anything at all yet and maybe won't. After what felt like an eternity, really about 10 minutes, I decided to be rational and to simply drive home normally. Whew! As I started the car, the phone rang. A quick glance at the screen and I knew it was Grace. OMG! I was shaking like a leaf as I answered the phone. Grace had a smile and near chuckle in her voice as I answered hesitantly. "Do you want to see a picture of a baby girl?", she asked me. In that moment, I was assaulted with a flood of emotions - excitement, anticipation, desire, love, sheer joy! I said yes, of course, and asked her to tell me everything she could. She gave me some info and said she was emailing her picture and profile as we spoke. I could barely take in all that she was saying as my heart was leaping for joy and I was shaking and crying. I thanked Grace through tears and laughter which she shared with me as we hung up. I then had to run (and I do mean run) back into the building to find a computer and get that email. Tears of joy were simply pouring down my face. Every stressful moment, every challenge, every bump in the road, every difficult minute, hour, day, year of waiting was erased in that instant. God had the perfect baby girl for me and I was about to become her mother.

I must have looked like a raving lunatic, running into the hospital with a grin from ear to ear and tears streaming down my face. I found a quiet computer area, jumped into my email, took a deep breath, and there she was!! It was truly love at first site! All of my prayers were answered in that moment. I knew she was mine. I printed her profile and picture on ordinary paper so I could have them in the car with me as I drove home. I conference called my sisters to announce the news to them, and drove directly to my mom' s so she could "meet" her newest granddaughter. What a crazy couple of hours.

As I settled down for the night, I could not take my eyes off of that picture, studying every detail. I was overcome with excitement and joy. I got into bed, with my laptop opened with her picture taking up the whole screen. I eventually drifted off to sleep while staring at that picture and dreaming about our future together. I will never forget that day, the emotions, the chaos, and the utter joy. Aside from the day I held my Little Miss for the first time, referral day was the biggest day in my adoption journey.

Today, I remember April 9, 2008 with such joy and gratitude. The love I have for this girl was so strong instantly, and yet somehow, miraculously, it continues to grow stronger and stronger everyday. Tonight, with an overflowing heart, I kissed my girl good-night and took this picture. Just like the first time ever I saw your face, your sweet, beautiful face . . . ahhh!!!